Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
