you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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