Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
