The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When are your genitals available?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
