How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
