Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
