i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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