My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
