His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize