You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
