If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
