8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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