last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
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