You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry about my life...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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