is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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