i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
