Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
