my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
