I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
