The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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