god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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