I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
