hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
