I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
