I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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