How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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