If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
