I met the friendliest cop last night
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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