Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
