Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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