I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize