Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
