I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
