So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
