I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize