her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
