i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
