Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
