you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
