Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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