im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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