i jhust puked up my retainher.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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