Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
