a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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