You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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