Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
