another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Every concussion has its silver lining
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
