ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
