wakey wakey hands off snakey
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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