Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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