and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
