i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
