My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
