I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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