i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
