we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
