Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
